Bad behavior, Self-Awareness and Inefficient Personal Interactions

Imagine walking into your favorite coffee shop and hearing a customer loudly berate the barista for serving them the incorrect coffee beverage, or watching another visibly frustrated customer slam a drink on the table. Have you seen a driver so filled with road rage that they nearly caused an accident in an effort to ‘get even’? How about watching a manager chastise an intimidated employee? 

We have all been on the receiving end of bad behavior. Unfortunately, there are times when we are the person dolling out the bad behavior. When was the last time you demonstrated bad behavior? In your mind, were your actions justified? In the minds of others, were your actions justified? Was that behavior considered professional? Did you know what caused you to act in that manner? Why did you believe your actions were appropriate at the time?

Just how often are you unable to curtain your impulses and handle the situation professionally and without regret?

Before you can ask others to model suitable behavior, you must have the ability to lead and act appropriately yourself. Leading yourself includes

•  What you spend your time on: budgets, performance evaluations, schedules or surfing the Internet under the guise of ‘looking for something’ or ‘researching’. You spend your time on what you believe is important to you.

•  How you spend your day: walking around talking to people, attending meetings, procrastinating completing the work that is important yet not quite urgent. You dedicate the time to complete activities that you deem are important.

•  How you conduct yourself during meetings, especially when the conversation turns contentious or irrelevant to you. Do you give others your full attention, as you would like them to do to you, or do you pull out your phone/tablet and respond to e-mails or other activities that take your mind away from the conversation at hand?

•  How you interact with your team members, peers, colleagues, bosses, vendors and passengers. Do you treat them with respect, even during disagreements? How do you express your displeasure or differences? Just as importantly, how do you react (without thinking) or respond (consciously) after the discussion has ended? Do you mutter under your breath, do you stomp and storm away, do you maintain a professional attitude?

Leading yourself also encompasses your thoughts and actions when you are alone or when no one is watching. It is walking through the parking lot and picking up trash. It is taking moments to calm yourself and rehearse your words before delivering uncomfortable news. It is also being genuinely happy when others succeed. It is reviewing feedback with the attention it deserves, and it is accepting changes that are destined to happen.

Numerous studies have shown that you cannot be an effective leader if you are not self-aware. In other words, you are not serving your department, your flight department, your colleagues, your boss and your company well if you glide through life oblivious of your personal interactions. You cannot improve your relationships if you are not aware of how you interact with them. You cannot improve your relationships if you are not aware of how others see you. You cannot be a good leader (which is all about relationships) if you do not have behavioral situation awareness. You will be the boss who causes your team members to look for another job, even though it may be less money or further travel for them. You will be inefficient in your personal interactions.

Stop reading this for a moment to answer these questions: Do you remember if anyone in your department is acting unusual or not quite themselves? Did you notice how others reacted to you as you walked through the hangar — did you meander, did you stroll, did you sprint to your office? Did you acknowledge anyone as you hurried through? Are you aware when someone’s mood brings you down or lifts you up? If behaviors affect your attitude and actions, then it is affecting others in your department. They may not demonstrate it, they may consider it unprofessional to tell you, or they have told you before and you minimized their concerns. You know they are too professional to disappoint you or let anything lapse. You also know they are under more stress because of the tense atmosphere.

The remainder of this article will focus on one self-awareness area that has the potential to strengthen your existing relationships or crush your reputation as a leader and a person. It can also impact your bottom line and the reputation of your department severely.

Triggers: setting your impulse control afire

Triggers are those words or actions that immediately cause a sudden and distinct reaction. The typical reaction to a trigger is to become defensive. It could be a phrase (“whatever!”), an action (rolling of eyes or shrugging of shoulders) or simply stony silence. Your perception of how events reflect on you can cause your unprofessional reaction. For instance, think about what you do when:

•  A passenger asks your peer a question that clearly falls under your responsibility

•  In an e-mail, you think someone else in the flight department points a finger at your team for trip delays

•  In a conversation, a colleague’s reply to you begins with “As I said before” and they look directly at you.

You have two types of reactions:

•  Internal: your thoughts and feelings. Do you remember the last time your thoughts spun out of control? Perhaps it was when you heard great news and your mind jumped from your present position to an increase in responsibility, travel and/or money. You envisioned a newer car, larger home and more disposable income. Do you recall how your thoughts jumped around when you heard some bad news? Did you imagine the worst that could happen, such as being fired, having to pay an exorbitant amount of money or being humiliated?

We all have feelings. We might not be aware of our feelings until after the event; “I was so angry at ….” Or “I was excited when I heard …” Think of feelings as information — much like the weather, the maintenance schedule of the aircraft, the time of day. Feelings are neither positive nor negative. They become that way when we judge them and ourselves. They are an important piece of becoming self-aware.

Noticing what you are feeling does not immediately translate to professional visible behavior. It is (initially) a conscious effort to become aware of what you are feeling and how that explains your actions. These explanations may not be rational and I caution you not to judge yourself. Just being aware of how your feelings create your behaviors is a start.

•  External: your outward behaviors and voice tone. Your thoughts drive your attitude and behaviors. Others cannot see your intentions – they can only see your behaviors. They make decisions on what to think and how to act based on what you do and how you respond or react.

For example, the more you think about a tense or uncomfortable situation, the more agitated you might become. Your agitation has to be released somehow. It can come out in your words (sarcastic, abrupt) or your actions (stomping rather than walking, procrastinating, avoiding work or people, making mistakes). You might not listen as well as you need to, you might cut discussions short, you might insist strongly on actions to take. People will shy away from you, e-mail you instead of having face-to-face conversation, or even hurry through their work to escape interacting with you.

When you surrender to your impulses and disregard the thoughts and feelings of others, you have created your own internal tornado. Your thoughts affect your feelings, which influence your thoughts, which drive your behaviors.

Taking control

It is possible to stop your mental runaway train and manage the situation before it takes control of you. The key is to raise your awareness of your thoughts. Remember to check what is on your radar:

•  Release preconceived notions. What are your assumptions about the situation? Is someone else really trying to make you look bad?

•  Attitude check. Does your defensiveness increase the more you think of the situation?

•  Diagnose root cause. Why does this situation bother you? Keep asking ‘why is that?’ for three to five more times to get to the real root cause.

•  Assessand analyze alternatives. If you continued along this reactionary path, what will happen? Will you have to apologize? What if you focused your thoughts on something unrelated to this event? Would that give you enough time to distance yourself from your emotional reaction?

•  Respond appropriately. This could be to ask for time to think it over, to ask questions (which will buy yourself some time) or to address the problem immediately.

Conclusion

I challenge you to become more aware of your thoughts and how those thoughts affect your actions. Boosting your self-awareness has no downsides. It allows you to control your behavior (and the behaviors of others) by understanding what you are thinking and feeling, and how those influence what you do. It allows you to mentally rehearse potentially uncomfortable, awkward or difficult situations so you can handle the situation in the most professional manner. It forces your brain to solve a problem, which takes away the impulse to react inappropriately. It allows you to position yourself to best motivate, inspire and empower your team.  

 

Dr. Shari Frisinger is president of CornerStone Strategies LLC. Her research centers on being smart about thoughts, emotions and actions. Raising awareness of potentially disruptive or unsafe behaviors is the focus of her human factors and TEM behavioral programs, offered in-house or one-on-one consulting. She provides her clients the tools to ease conflict, enhance safety and elevate service. She is a member of NBAA’s Safety Committee, an NBAA PDP provider and an adjunct faculty member facilitating leadership courses. She has presented CRM/HF to numerous flight departments and aviation companies. For more information, visit www.ShariFrisinger.comor call (281) 992-4136.

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