What Kind of Leader Are You?

Think back to the best boss you had. What did he or she do that made them the best? How did they propel you to be your best and give that extra effort? Conversely, think of your worst boss. How did he or she treat you? What did he or she say to you — or was it a matter of how he or she said it?

If you are like most bosses, you don’t give this some serious consideration time. Thoughts might cross your mind about how you could improve or you might even review the discussion or conflict mentally. It might be time to take a few minutes and reflect back on your leadership effectiveness.

Think about how often you do the following things. (Use answers of “rarely,” “half the time” or “almost always.”)

1. Act empathetically when a crewmember is under pressure or asks for help?

2. Know what you are feeling or thinking when you are feeling or thinking it?

3. Respect the feelings of others when you are angry, upset, jealous or afraid?

4. Willingly check your emotions and do what’s best for the situation?

5. Pause to assess the other person’s feelings and act appropriately?

6. Criticize with little regard on how your remarks are heard and felt?

7. Listen partially when others come to you with their problems?

These questions can be divided into two areas: awareness of self and others, and interactions with others.

Awareness of self and others

Look at questions 2, 4, 6 and 7. How did you score?

• Know whatyou are feeling or thinking whenyou are feeling or thinking it? This is the cornerstone of awareness of self. To take it one step further, determine the ‘why.’What caused you to think and feel what you did? Was it something someone said or did? Was it because the current situation reminds you of a past experience? Was something or someone else influencing you? It is difficult to interact with others professionally if you are unaware of your thoughts and feelings.

• Willingly check your emotions and do what’s best for the situation? Controlling what you are feeling can be difficult. It also takes energy to rein in your anger, irritation, frustration and even excitement. If your initial reaction is to express your anger very vocally and chastise them, taking out your frustration on them, that is energy that can be better directed toward reaching solutions.

• Criticize with little regard on how your remarks are heard and felt? The question that immediately precedes this one is, “Do you know how harsh your criticism sounds?” It doesn’t matter what the situation is — remember that you need to work with that person again. The effect of harsh words does not dissipate immediately. Do it often enough and you run the risk of causing permanent damage to the trust that is the foundation of your relationships.

• Listen partially when others come to you with their problems? This includes scanning e-mails or your inbox, double-checking numbers and looking for something (either electronically or in a hard copy). Most often it is your mind planning your next actions, whether it be your conversation response or steps you need to take to mitigate your perceived damage.

Example: Mechanic Adam tiptoes into director Jason’s office and Jason knows immediately that something is wrong. Jason rises, crosses his arms and feels his anger rising. As Adam begins explaining the situation, including the causes and the current dilemma that he is facing, Jason’s mind races. He is irritated that Adam made that mistake. He is formulating what and how he will tell the executives about the expense and/or delay. He ascertains what actions he will need to take against Adam. Adam knows he made a huge error and apologizes sincerely. It was an honest mistake, despite costing both time and money. From this point, there are two scenarios that can play out:

a.) Director Jason, unaware that his body posture is influencing his anger and his racing thoughts fuel his irritation, lashes out at Adam verbally. In his tirade, Jason does not notice that Adam has taken a step backwards. Adam is remorseful and tries to offer suggestions and alternatives; however, Jason is more concerned with the repercussions he himself will face. This further hinders Jason’s ability to view the situation with a wider perspective.

b.) Director Jason, feeling his heart beginning to race and conscious of how his instinctual reaction will hamper his thinking and damage the trust Adam has in him, asks Adam to sit to continue the conversation. He knows he does not have his ‘emotional footing,’ so he asks Adam questions to allow his mind to begin processing this information. This also gives Adam time to express and expend his emotional energy (a must to continue the conversation in a professional manner). Jason focuses his thinking solely on resolving the situation, and pushes aside thoughts of how he will explain it to his boss.

Interactions with others

Look at questions 1, 3 and 5. How did you fare on these? 

• Act empathetically in your responses when a crewmember is under pressure or asking for help? Many people have a misguided notion of what empathy means. It is not crying (with them if they are) or mirroring their expressions. It is putting yourself in their situation and understanding their thinking and feeling. It is understanding that they are not at the top of their game and they need some support. It is not ridiculing or saying clichés like “calm down,” “settle down” or “it will all be OK.” These actually harm and not help.

• Respect the feelings of others when you are angry, upset, jealous or afraid? It can be difficult to relate to someone else’s good news when you are not feeling happy for them. It can also be difficult to not bring up negative scenarios, or relate your own misgivings at this time.

• Accurately assess the other person’s feelings and act appropriately? We all know of people who will make jokes “trying to lighten the mood” or slip in a negative comment to downplay another’s success. This shows an insensitivity to others and builds a barrier between you both.

Example: Employee Ed appeared distracted. It took him longer than normal to complete tasks. He often paused, stepping back as if looking at the situation from a broader perspective. There were times when Ed would look around, hoping to find someone nearby to talk with. Supervisor Sara noticed that he was alone most of the morning; others seemed to avoid him. Stan debated if he should approach him or just let him work it out for herself.   

Again, there are two scenarios that can play out:

a.) Like others, supervisor Sara can avoid Ed. If she must walk past him, she will make light of his actions (“Having a hard time there?” said with a chuckle) and not stop to hear his response. If she does stop and listen to Ed, her responses will be the Chinese fortune-cookie type: “Everything will work out,” “These things happen for a reason,” and, “You’ll be fine — you always are.”

b.) Supervisor Sara can take control of the situation, approaching him by asking, “Ed, is everything OK? You seem a bit distracted or preoccupied,” and listen to his response. Knowing that these situations make her uncomfortable, Sara has a mental list of empathetic phrases to interject when appropriate. (She could say things like “that must be awful,” or “I can see that is weighing on your mind.”) As Ed talks, Sara feels annoyed and wants to defend herself; however, she knows that point is not Ed’s primary issue. Sara continues to listen to Ed, acting as a sounding board as she lets him work his thoughts out himself.

Action Steps

As you can see, the actions you take as the leader directly influence how those around you respond. The key is to be aware of your own thoughts and feelings and to notice how others react to you. Here are some specific actions you can take to raise your leadership behavioral workplace collaboration skills:

• Stop and think how you will feel interacting with this person in the future. Just the thought of eating crow can be a tremendous deterrent!

• Remember that the other person has thoughts and feelings. They see the world from their own perspective, tinted by their own past experiences and memories. 

• Take a deep breath, count by threes or fours, ask questions … anything so your emotional brain can take a step backwards and release your reactionary thoughts.

• Stay engaged in the conversation by asking questions that can clarify their point and relevance to the discussed topic

Conclusion

It’s easy to get caught up in our daily pace and not take the time to reflect on our behaviors, and the effect our words and actions have on others. As a leader, your behaviors are under scrutiny. It is difficult to maintain your composure when you really want to strangle someone. Situational awareness is huge in our industry. I challenge you to expand your definition of it to include your thoughts and behaviors. One test would be to ask yourself: can you consciously choose to actin a tense situation and not reactto the other person?

With a doctoral dissertation on aviation crisis leadership, Dr. Shari Frisinger’s expertise is in behaviors: being smart about thoughts and feelings, and the ‘why’ behind actions. Her human factors programs and consulting raise awareness of potentially disruptive or unsafe behaviors, and techniques to ease conflict and enhance safety. Dr. Shari is an NBAA PDP provider, a member of NBAA’s Safety Committee, a member of Aviation Psychology Association, and faculty teaching leadership courses. She has presented behavioral safety programs to numerous flight departments and aviation companies. For more information, visit www.ShariFrisinger.comor call 281.992.4136.