Our Assumptions Can Easily Create a Hidden Hazard

This month we will tackle the words we use when we communicate in both written and spoken form.

Look around your department. How different are your employees? There are obvious differences in gender, ethnicity and physical attributes. Differences like religion, education, likes/dislikes and family culture might not be so obvious. You might not be able to discern differences in upbringing, hometown, financial situations, family status or recreational activities. All of these factors (plus many more) influence the manner in which we communicate, the words we use and the meaning of those words.

When you speak, there are five possible messages: what you said, what you think you said, what you meant to say, what the other person heard and what the other person thinks they heard.

Indefinite words

Words that have a definite meaning for you might not be as clear cut to someone else. Worse yet, they might mean something entirely different. For instance, in percentage of time, how often do events using these everyday words occur?

- Often                       - Soon

- Always                    - Quite often

- Sometimes               - Frequently        

- Never                      - Rarely

- Usually                   - Almost always

- Most of the time       - A lot

- Occasionally             - Seldom

Think about it. It is difficult to apply a time-percentage to these words. People have told me that they never use the word always because nothing happens all the time, yet others have told me that ‘always’ occurs about 80 percent of the time. My research has shown that ‘always’ occurs an average of 83.5 percent of the time. Coincidentally, ‘never’ occurs about 18 percent of the time. Imagine if you are one of the people that assumes ‘always’ equals 100 percent and you are talking to a person who is confident that ‘always’ occurs less than 100 percent of the time. The situation is ripe for miscommunication.

As another example: You ask someone how long it will take him or her to complete his or her current project. The response is, “It usually takes another hour or so.” What is your interpretation of usually? When do you anticipate the completion and when will you return to ask them for an update? Is their definition of usually the same as yours?

The next time you ask someone when they will do something and they respond “soon,” what are your expectations? If you are in the upper half of the circle (refer to the communications circle in the October 2013 issue), you are action oriented and soon means within about 15 minutes. If you are in the lower half of the circle, you are more thought-process driven and soon could mean within the next day or so — after you have completed your current activities and thought through your request. You, the action person, are waiting and getting more impatient with each passing minute, for them, the process-person, to complete that one particular task. Their focus is on their current activity and they do not hurry to get to your request. Depending on what else you are juggling, at some point (faster than what they anticipate) you will return to them in a highly agitated state, asking for an update. Their response will be similar to, “I told you I’d do it when I get to it.” Of course, you can use your imagination to see where this conversation goes. This situation happens more often than you would think.

Vague-meaning phrases

Both individual words and commonly-used phrases can lead to erroneous assumptions and can imply different meanings. Here are a few examples:

“I’ll do it next.” To you, the action-oriented person, next implies soon and rather quickly. Next can indicate that the current job is near completion and the start time for your request will be imminent. However, the reality is that your request will begin only after they have completed their current project. That might take five minutes, an hour and five minutes, or the rest of the day.

“Okay” or nodding your head. This single word or action has two completely different meanings. Okay or head nod can mean, “I heard you and I acknowledge that I heard you.” It also can mean, “I agree with you.” Miscommunication occurs when the intent of okay was to acknowledge and the listener interpreted it as agreement. The listener will take action based on that version of the word. Subsequent discussions can be filled with frustration, irritation and resentment. “Sure” is a similar word.

“Over there” coupled with finger pointing or head nodding in a certain direction.The other person’s view is slightly skewed from yours. If you are pointing to a particular person or object and other people or objects are nearby, you could be looking at two different people or objects. Think of looking at something with both eyes open, with your right eye closed, and with your left eye closed. Notice how the objects move slightly? That is the same result when you point to something and expect the other person to know exactly where you are pointing.

“Just do the best you can” or “do it as quickly as you can.” ‘The best’ and ‘as quickly’ are more examples of ambiguous words. The thought-oriented person is more detail conscious than the action-oriented person is and their best is perfect or as close to perfect as they can get. Remember, the action-oriented person construes time at a faster pace than the thought-oriented person does.

Clarifying your communications

The first step is to be aware of your assumptions with the words you use. As with other conversations, this is not a “my definition is correct and yours is not.” Here are ways to remove any assumptions or biases in your words:

1. Ask.

This is the most direct way to clear up any misassumptions and can be the quickest way to raise someone’s defenses. There are several different ways to ask:

a. “What do you mean by <insert word>?” Beware that this can raise someone’s defenses quickly. It is the most direct and potentially the most offensive of all the questions.

b. “I don’t quite understand what you mean by <insert word>. Can you be more definite?” This can also cause someone to get defensive, especially if you are not aware of your tone of voice.

c. “<insert word> has different meanings to different people. Can you tell me how you define it?” This is probably the most tactful and diplomatic way to ask someone to restate his or her meaning.

2. Rephrase what you heard them say.

This can be more difficult than it sounds, especially when you do not filter out your own assumptions. Give concrete timeframes (i.e., one hour, one day) when you can. This will minimize any fuzziness and present clear expectations. 

3. Do nothing.

This is always (yes, I do mean 100 percent of the time) an option. You will leave yourself and your department open to hostilities, frustration, lowered morale and inconsistent teamwork. Is it really worth not taking one of the aforementioned steps?

All of these options need to be said in a non-threatening tone of voice. The other person should not feel that you are judging them or want to ‘catch them.’ If you are unsure how to say these (and you can certainly change the words to reflect your speaking style), say them aloud. You will be able to tell if they will insult or irritate another person.

One final item to remember is that the other person might not be present in listening to you. Stress, frustration, irritation or worry could be foremost in their thoughts. These distractions divert energy and attention from your message. Your words might be stated very clearly in the moment, yet when the listener’s thoughts are focused elsewhere, he or she might not remember your meaning.

Conclusion

The words we use have different meanings for each person. We can find it difficult to quantify the time involved with these words. Here is the results of my research into the word and the average percentage of time it occurs: often (61 percent), always (83.5 percent), sometimes (36.6 percent), never (18.1 percent), usually (74.3 percent), most of the time (72.4 percent), occasionally (28.4 percent), seldom (25.6 percent), a lot (79.4 percent), almost always (72.3 percent), rarely (21.5 percent), frequently (69.4 percent) and quite often (70.8 percent). How do your definitions compare? 

References:

Cushing, S. (1994). Fatal words: Communication clashes and aircraft crashes. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

Gobillot, E. (2011). Leadershift: Reinventing leadership for the age of mass collaboration. London: Kogan Page.

Hensley, B., & Hensley, C. (2011). The pilot: Learning leadership: applying supersonic jet flying principles to business and life. Austin, Tex: Greenleaf Book Group Press.

Dr. Shari Frisinger is president of CornerStone Strategies LLC. Her research centers on being smart about thoughts, emotions and actions. Her human factors, TEM behavioral programs and consulting raise awareness of potentially disruptive or unsafe behaviors. She provides her clients the tools to ease conflict, enhance safety and elevate service. She is an NBAA PDP provider, a member of NBAA’s Safety Committee, a member of Aviation Psychology Association and an adjunct faculty facilitating leadership courses. She has presented CRM/HF to numerous flight departments and aviation companies. For more information, visit www.ShariFrisinger.comor call 281.992.4136.